• Whitney

The End of The Beginning

We’re wrapping up the first trimester and I am sincerely looking forward to having some energy back. Still, I count my blessings because I’ve had no morning sickness. Up until this point, I have been in a pretty great mood. No fighting with my husband. Zero crying. Yes, I feel lightheaded a lot, and tired, but overall, positive. The pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I thought that it would after seeing the baby on the ultrasound, but it still doesn't. The baby is in the "gummy bear" phase where basically, it has no discernible features other than a heartbeat, which the nurse said was, "perfect." I did breathe a sigh of relief at that.

Now, I have started having extremely graphic miscarriage dreams. I am aware that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (actually closer to 60%, but most women aren't even aware of the others) and because of that statistic, I have actually not been stressed about the possibility of it. It seems almost, expected? Perhaps, this is also why I haven't allowed myself to really feel the "joy" of being pregnant. It has however, saved me from stressing about the possibility of losing the baby. After all, most of my friends have experienced miscarriages. It isn't taboo. It's just an unfortunate possibility once you become pregnant. I have now had three extremely graphic miscarriage dreams of Tarantino proportions. I'm talking bloody, body part, horrific crime scene, miscarriage dreams. I guess these are coming from a subconscious place? I don't know, but I wake up in the middle of the night with these graphic images in my head and can't go back to sleep.

In fact, my entire mood has shifted at this point. Utter optimism has led way to mostly pessimism. At this stage, I now have to face telling my restaurant's investors that I am pregnant and face their judgement of the situation. Am I even allowed to get pregnant? Most of me is sure that they'll be congratulatory and thrilled, but another part tells me that they're going to be disappointed in me. I fear that the announcement will be met with them asking me a million questions related to how I am going to run the restaurant with a baby... And I don't honestly know yet. I have had restaurants, but never a child. What if "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer? I could be removed from the board and fired. The stress of it all seems like a growing, black tidal wave; An unbearable, crushing weight, crashing towards me... And then I find myself curling into a ball, in the dark of my room, feeling helpless, useless, noticing that my skin is suddenly breaking out, that I'm putting on weight, that I am completely out of control of my own life right now, and even small tasks seem too great to bare.

Depression? Maybe. I've never had depression before, but what I've read is that most pregnant women swing from happy to crying and I seem to be swinging from indifferent to depressed.

Now that I am pregnant in the state of Tennessee, I have health insurance, which is a huge relief. However, once I have the baby, I am not considered relevant enough to have my life matter and that insurance is revoked, which is making me feel really terrible. Until the baby makes its grand exit (entrance?), I am a vessel for a baby who has more rights than me (After all, it could be a boy) and I am insured. After the birth, I go back to having to choose to butterfly my hand with cheap Walmart bandages when I cut myself in the kitchen or spend the price of my car to seek real, medical care. Alternatively, Ian and I, who have no pre-existing conditions, who don’t smoke, have never had a surgery, could pay about $1200/month for “basic coverage,” which doesn’t cover nearly enough to justify the price tag. All of this (sorry to make it political, but health insurance in this country is bullshit) is laid out to say that I now have a primary care physician and I'm planning on meeting with someone to talk about mental health during pregnancy, and maybe I’ll spend some of that complaining about the broken healthcare system.

I have found in the meantime that exercise (Running in particular) does help me feel somewhat better. The only problem is that it is difficult to motivate yourself to work out when you're laying in bed, feeling sorry for yourself, wiling yourself to disappear.

Cravings: Crusty French Bread, Biscuits, Movie-Theater Popcorn, Waffles- All of the vegan carbs! I’m not craving sour skittles anymore. I do have a strange craving for artificial blueberry flavoring, but all the vegan blueberry muffins I buy are real and that’s not what I want. I’m craving a crappy, gas station, blueberry muffin, and I can’t get my hands on a vegan one. A decaf iced coffee with one pump of sugar-free blueberry from Dunkin Donuts seems to help, though.

I am actively trying to keep an eye on my protein intake. When I don't have enough, my brain seems foggier than usual. I also started eating a blueberry protein cereal that makes me feel like I have my life together. Anytime my stomach feels bloated, I reach for fresh pineapple. Zero digestion issues.

Noteable: Waking up at 4:00am almost every day, RAVENOUS and having to eat something.

Pregnancy Brain: Holy shit.

First of all, I had to fly to Florida to visit my grandmother in hospice and I booked my flights backwards. I booked a flight from Jacksonville to Nashville, and then Nashville to Jacksonville, when it should have been the other way around. This cost me $200 in change fees. They gave my a break because my grandmother is dying so... Yeah.

Secondly, I designed take-away menus for my restaurant. Our biggest issue with our restaurant's perception is that people walk in and automatically think it's too expensive, even though we have the cheapest burger in town (AND we use local beef!). It's because our decor is stunning. We have copper ceilings, chandeliers, linens on the tables, but we also have $5 pickle fries. So, we are constantly trying to convince the consumer to actually read the prices before deciding that we're expensive. Anyways, I thought it was brilliant to add a new tag line, "Big City Dining with Small Town Pricing." Oh. So clever (insert eye roll), but maybe it will work! Anyways, I print 200 fucking menus, and I have a typo on the COVER. It reads, "Bict City Dining with Small Town Pricing." Seriously?!?!

#pregnancy #blog #firsttrimester #whitneyswanders #blues #dreams #vegan #plantbased #veganpregnancy #blogger #mom #depression #healthinsurance #tennessee #mother #working #restaurantowner #mentalhealth #pregnancybrain #cravings

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